Mommy Guilt

This is the cause of mommy guilt.  That sweet smiling face looking up at you, depending on you for, literally, everything!  The reason you get up at the crack of dawn (or earlier) to feed and comfort or just play.  The reason you go about your day in a haze of exhaustion, refusing help from loved ones, because everything has to be the best for your baby (and obviously only mommy knows best!). Mommy guilt is potent stuff.  It causes tears, sleepless nights, more tears, self doubt, depression, financial stress, uncertainty and super-human mommy efforts.  Mommy guilt is usually unnecessary, especially from the child's point of view, but ultimately a universal fact of mommyhood. 

Somehow I don't think there is such a thing as "daddy guilt."  Dads worry about providing for the family leaving moms to worry about....everything else!  Now, I know this is a blatently unfair and mostly untrue statement.  Nathan's daddy worries about plenty of things.  And, unreasoningly, those things make me feel guilty too!  For whatever reason, I feel like I have to not only go happily off to work, leaving my precious angel in the hands of strangers, but I also need to manage to:

• excel at work
• pick Nathan up from school every day,
• make dinner for the family,
• keep the house clean,
• the laundry done,
• the dishes washed,
• the husband happy and
• the groceries bought. 

Sleep happens in there somewhere. This causes major problems for me because while I am very good at my job, I do not go there happily every day and generally can't wait to leave.  I don't pick Nathan up every day because I can't always get away from downtown in time.  I don't make dinner, clean house, do laundry, wash dishes or go to the grocery store on any kind of regular or timely basis.  The only reason the house stays semi-clean is because we have professionals come in every other week.  As for the rest, I tell myself that it doesn't matter if the dishes go unwashed or the laundry unfolded for a few days if it means I spend more time with Nathan.  I fool myself into thinking I'll do it all after he goes to bed, however, no sooner does he go to bed than I eat whatever is available the quickest and go to sleep myself.  I am so tired of being tired all the time! 

So, needless to say I am still having a hard time adjusting to being back at work.  I work with plenty of other working moms.  These moms are mostly partners at the firm or senior managers, although there are a few seniors and managers.  The partners and senior managers have somehow fooled themselves into thinking that their work-life balance is good and they spend enough time with their kids over the course of the year.  A few of them are on a reduced schedule, and so make that claim semi-legitimately.  They have a schedule worked out with their husband, nanny, mother or mother-in-law that allows them to be available to the firm but still fulfill their family commitments. It works for them.  So, why can't I be happy with the same?

The first problem I run into, and one they don't seem to get, is that I don't HAVE a nanny (nor do I want one) or a mother or mother-in-law available to pick up Nathan and help with the household.  Even if I did, I doubt it would ease the mommy guilt. They tell me, "Oh, if my child is sick I'm always the one to pick him up," or, "my husband and I are partners and we share the responsibility of parenting."  Well, guess what, I also have an amazing husband who does his fair share of parenting (proof below).  However, when we decided to start a family at no point did he agree, nor did I intend for him, to become a single parent for a quarter of the year.

Unfortunately, single-parenthood is what he is going to semi-experience here in a few months.  The ever dreaded (but never more than this year) "busy season" of the audit world.  Yes, it co-incides with tax season.  No, I do not do taxes.  Yes, this confuses people.  For those who are unfamiliar, this time of year stretching from January to April generally involves me working between 60 and 80 hours per week, 6 or 7 days a week.  Can we say mommy-zombie?!

We've had a small taste of the busy season to come already this fall.  We are behind at work (shocking) and in order to get caught up the entire team works late at least twice per week.  In the past this was par for the course for me, but now if I work past 6:00p I will miss putting Nathan to bed (I have a long commute and he goes to bed early).  Most nights I compromise and leave work at a reasonable time and just boot back up after I get him put to bed.  Frankly I don't get much done those evenings because I am so tired I don't last but an hour or so before calling it quits. So some nights I stay at the office.  And it is awful! 

I guess I just want more from motherhood.  I want to experience teaching Nathan the "hard" things rather than letting a day care do it for me.  I want to be home with him in the evenings and have dinner on the table so we can eat as a family.  I want him to make it to Bible class consistently so he learns about and comes to love our God.  I want more than just the weekends or holidays to spend time with him.  I want a date night with my husband!  I want to just be a good auditor and a great mom and wife!  Is all this too much to ask?  Maybe so.  After all, life is rarely fair.